HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS??

I wrote this 10 days after being diagnosed . . .

Even though I was scheduled to have my first appointment with the fertility clinic, today I woke up hopeful. As per the doctor’s orders, me and the hubby were going in for a consult to talk about the possibility of me freezing my eggs due to the side effects of chemotherapy. No big deal, right? WRONG!  IT TURNED OUT TO BE A BIG FUCKIN’ DEAL! Ladies, you know when the doctor tells you, you will have more difficulty getting pregnant the older you get? So as a woman in your 30’s you know it, but then you hear about other women having kids in their 40s and tell yourself you have plenty of time. Well when a fertility specialist tells you have only have only a 30% chance of getting pregnant, with or without chemo, I took pause . . . a LONG ass pause. A 30% chance – WTF, ARE YOU SERIOUS??! It begs the question, had I known would I have tried to get pregnant earlier? Guys love that convo, right? “Excuse me, can you hurry- up and knock me up because my doctor says my eggs are dying off as we speak?” I mean my hubby is an understanding guy, but that would not have been a good look, trust! AND that was not what I wanted. I didn’t want to just have a baby because it was biologically smart, (it sounds stupid in retrospect) but that was the choice I made.

So instead here we are, at Mont Sinai Fertility Clinic, listening to this woman drop bomb after bomb of worse case scenarios on me:

(Her) "Chemo will most likely harm your eggs - make you infertile, and could push you into early onset menopause."

(Me) WHAAAAAAAT?  This is some BS!!! Who the fuck wants chemo now, yes it can save your life AND WTF is early onset menopause?  

(Her) Freezing your eggs can increase your chances of getting pregnant in the future, but there is no guarantee it will be viable after we thaw it, there is a possibility it won’t work.

(Me) What kind of sales pitch is that??? So, I will go through weeks of sticking myself with needles and pumping myself full of hormones right before chemo for this to, “maybe” work?

(Her) But you could freeze an embryo instead, it would increase your chances by another 10-15% (for those of you who don't know it means they fertilize the egg, freeze it and artificially inseminate me later when I have done all my cancer medications). Did I mention to do this is about 8-10K?

(Me) WTF??? (Note to self embryo freezing is out).

Speaking of when the treatment is done, she then informs me, it is recommended not to try to conceive until 3 years after my medication has ended, as it may result in birth defects. In case the cancer comes back, you can't do chemo when you are pregnant, obviously. AND when you are pregnant the breasts change making the cancer harder to detect.  I look at Corey as if to say, “Is she serious right now??” So, my squishy baby, if it does show up, won't have a chance until I am at 39-years-old? That is best case scenario, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? No, it is not old, but it was just not our plan to wait another 3 years just to consider conceiving. I feel like I am in the fucking twilight zone.

So, I'm sitting listening this, and I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The nurse is just smiling apologetically and I just smile to keep from crying in her presence. I sit there thinking that’s the worst of it, but she continues to say, that the chemo could ruin my fertility and the potential for miscarriages will increase. My eyes are just getting wider and I guess she thought she was giving me a silver lining by saying, “But if you are unable to carry a baby to full term you could always get a surrogate…”  So, at 39- years- old, I can take my 36- year- old eggs and have some, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle / When the Bough Breaks, situation on my hands??  NAHHHH SA! The final option is if none of my eggs turn out to be viable I can go online and buy some other woman's 20 yrs. old eggs and Corey can mishmash his beautiful chiseled face with some other Jane doe . . . (insert deadpan facial expression here) I don’t think I have said this enough, but WTF???!!!

Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people doing whatever they must do to have that baby they so desire, do you! HOWEVER, I thought the, “You have cancer bomb,” would have been the worst of it, but it just hit me, it wasn’t cancer I feared . . . it was everything that comes with it. So yes, there are options, and I am grateful there are some, and no, God's plan cannot be dictated by science, but FUCK! It was a lot to take in an hour and a half. Today I don't have words of encouragement or RAH, RAH ... Just letting myself feel it today.

Fast forward 2 weeks . . .

We are going forward with the egg freezing, without any guarantees, just a hope and a prayer that when that time comes we will have viable 36-year-old eggs available to us to expand our family. So, 10 days of sticking myself with needles and pumping myself full of hormones, (as if I need another reason to have my emotions all out of whack right now??) 3 years from now, we will have the option. Now we just count down to chemo, ETA one week . . .

#GIRLBOSS

My being diagnosed with breast cancer after I purchased my ticket to the GIRLBOSS RALLY, is truly a scenario of, "Life happening when you are making other plans . . ." As some of you know I have been jet setting around the U.S. these last few weeks, all of which were planned prior to my diagnosis. However, it's this last trip to L.A, to attend the GIRLBOSS RALLY, that I want to talk about. The name is not only BADASS, it's also self-explanatory. I knew when I booked this ticket (against my financial advisors recommendation), it would at minimum, put me in a room full of other women who were go-getters and serious about their shit.  I was tired of always seeing these amazing events that I would love to attend and telling myself that I don't have the time, or the money to make it happen. Well this time I had neither, AND I was tired of that same fucking excuse! LADIES THERE WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH TIME OR MONEY when it comes to putting ourselves first. THANK GOD I took my own advice for once! This event gave me an euphoric shot of, "no time like the present," and an even greater wake-up call.  (Yes Cancer does that as well, but not in the same way, duh!)

Ok pay attention :). First of all the event was in L.A, so that already makes it better then sitting my ass in Toronto's bi-polar weather. (Toronto was -15 degrees Celsius with snow the whole time I was away). Saturday, March 4th 8am, 500 women from around the world (literally, I met women from across the U.S, Canada, Europe, Australia, AND South Africa), lined up outside the Hudson Loft awaiting entry to, Sophia Amoruso, author of #GIRLBOSS and founder of Nasty Gal, first ever GIRLBOSS RALLY. I had no idea what to expect, however the branded wall outside and the well coiffed team in rockin' pink GIRLBOSS bomber jackets, already was a good indication of #badass shit to come.

And when we got inside, she didn't disappoint! Iridescent name badges, Girlboss dj, glam squad room, delicious organic juices, larger than life inspirational quotes on every wall and a perfect curated space that fostered excitement. Now I could go on and talk about the amazing speakers like Lilly Singh (TDot representin'!!) , Whitney Cummings, Gabby Bernstein, or Sheree Waterston, (If you don't know these dynamic ladies look them up!).

Now I could talk about the roof top patio, the clear book bag stuffed with amazing swag, the awesome set design, or Sophia Amoroso's sleek black jumpsuit that I will be destined to own one day. . . However, I want to talk about what was happening in the days and weeks leading up to the event. When I bought my ticket, I had no clear idea who I wanted meet, or what business I was building next. I just knew anything could be possible in a room with like minded women.  I even convince 2 of my homegirls to come with me. Then I was diagnosed 3 weeks before we were set to take flight.  Needless to say, my perspective changed, now I was obsessed with what I would say when people asked me what I did? How would I introduce myself? I hadn't even told the friends I was going with that I had breast cancer! (I told them both days before we left and in true Monique friend fashion they were awesome about it.)

Reviewing the list of speakers before we left, I wasn't sure what I wanted to ask these experts, my views on, well EVERYTHING, had changed. I mean I still loved business and strategy, but I didn't think I would be starting a new business anytime soon.  People had wanted to hire me to consult on their business these last few weeks, and I was so afraid of what my health would be like in the coming months, I had to decline. What I loved about this event is you could pick your speaker room ad I noticed In one of the rooms there was a woman named, Samantha Paige, who would be talking about health and wellness. Prior to be diagnosed I glossed over this and told myself, "I know tons on health and wellness, I don't need to hear more about that!" Idiot! Funny how life works . . .

Now I know why I was meant to go. Samantha shared her 20-year journey with cancer and pre-empted double mastectomy. She shared her story behind her photo documentary and posing topless for Equinox Ad campaign that graces a huge billboard on Sunset boulevard. 

PHOTO: Steven Klein / Equinox

TALK ABOUT BRAVE! So you can only imagine I was sitting on the edge of my seat soaking up every word. She shared so many golden nuggets that I was struggling to listen and type notes on my phone at the same time. Things like:

"I removed my implants because they were making me ill, and I didn't even know it."

"We are taught what is "beauty"  and what it is not, and what is "feminine," and its all bullshit. It's made up. I am not, not feminine because I have no breasts, I am not, not beautiful, I am me."

"I as tired of living with filters, for the first time I am living raw and real and everyone will just have to fucking deal with it."

I am paraphrasing but you get the point.

At the end of her interview, I was ready with my question, and for anyone who knows me I am a pretty good public speaker, (if I do say so myself).  But when one of the girlboss staff put the mic in my hand I froze, and the tears starting stinging my eyes. F! I said to myself. "Umm, hi, I um would first like to say thank-you so much for sharing your story . . " my voice was soft, not the powerful loud one I am so use to. But with all 200 + eyeballs on me I couldn't stop now. "I know there is no accident I am in this room, listening to your story, when I booked my ticket to the Girlboss rally I didn't know I would be diagnosed with cancer just a 1 month later . . ." By this point I'm struggling to catch the tears falling down my face, each one threatening to fuck up my perfect make-up job.  I'm also mindful I am wearing a stark white blazer and cannot have brown foundation all up and through. I wiped my face and continued, "My question is, what advice would you give me as someone just diagnosed, or what do you wish someone told you that you didn't know?" At this point I notice other women wiping their tears and others passing around tissues, including the friends I came with. Samantha looked at me, as if to say, "I get it, I am so sorry." Then she said, "I am so sorry you have to go through this, but you will get through it." Then she paused for a while and said, "I would say . . . get pissed, get sad, get angry, feel it all! People will encourage you to be positive and you will want to bypass these emotions. Don't do that.  Don't let your emotions take you out, but feel it all because your feeling it and going through it is where you will discover your strength."  It was perfect.

Afterwards we did get to speak more, we hugged and she said I could contact her anytime. That meant a lot.  She also said, that no matter how many stories people will share with me about someone they know who went through it, they will never understand. And that's ok, they just want to help. You take care of you and don't make it a priority to take care of other people's feelings, that's not your job right now."

So yes I could talk about the unmatched branding of this event, the beautiful women decked out in their fashionable wears and amazing products I acquired from the goodie bag . . . However what I took away is what my sharing in a room with 200 + strangers set in motion.
A bunch of strangers coming up to me throughout the day wanting to give me a hug, LOL! They said things like, "Thank-you for sharing your story, you are so brave . . . I just wanted to come meet you and give you a hug is that ok? . . .  I'll be following your journey and praying for you . . . I know you got this because you are a Girlboss." It was just AMAZING!

So yes the Girlboss rally was about women coming together to build businesses in the areas of fashion, beauty and media, but it was about more than that. EVERYONE had a circumstance or internal state that was getting in their way of building the business of their dreams. This rally was about women empowerment and making moves towards our goals unapologetically. Thank-you Sophia Amoroso for creating a movement for the times. For the the badass girl bosses who say, "You don't Iike me or what I am doing, ok thank-you for sharing . . . Now get the F out of my way!  LOL!!!!

(pic me and sam)

"Life is challenging when your outside world is out of alignment with who you really are, there is so much time wasted trying to be what everyone wants you to be."  Samantha Paige

 

"Life is challenging when your outside world is out of alignment with who you really are, there is so much time wasted trying to be what everyone wants you to be."  Samantha Paige

Dr. Who?

Let's talk about how goggling your doctor while waiting in their waiting room is a bad idea. Not to say you shouldn't look into who is treating you, but doing so 30 minutes before you go into to see the person who will determine the treatment plan for a life threatening disease, could put you a little on edge if the reviews are not good, right? So what did I do? Google of course, had me and Corey, well first I had Corey but he was taking too long, so I was like, "What is taking u so long, what did u find?" as he "looked" like he was concentrating on looking . . , "you found something bad didn't you?" His response, "Well you can never be sure if it's real,  everyone has their own opinions . . ," He is so sweet . . , AND that just made me whip out my own phone and fiercely start hitting the keys. The rating for this doctor popped up, it was a 3.9/5, Ummm not bad right? Well depends if you are asking the patient or the loved one sitting with the patient. Fuck! These reviews are all over the place, people either love her and praise her for saving their life or they are crucifying her as the Ice Queen with a God complex! WTF is that?! "Corey this isn't good!" I am panicked now sitting in my chair, all the while wondering why this doctor is 45min behind schedule. Corey says, "You never should have read that until later." Well it was too late now, I'm now even questioning if I picked the right treatment centre, I mean it's not the top in the city is it? I should have looked at, Princess Margaret or even Sunny Brook, what was I thinking?!

So needless to say when they called my name I was more than a little on edge. Let's call her Dr.X, (of course if the reviews turn out true ya'll will know her name), anyway Dr. X started asking me a bunch of questions,  all of which I was sure were already on file, and or at minimum on that two page new patient form they had me fill out, but I answered them of course and tried to remain calm. I was at least calm enough to remind Corey to be on that covert ops tip, recording the whole session on his phone, incase I forgot anything, (and more importantly just incase she turned out to be crazy).

 She proceeded to walk me though the proposed treatment plans, which even if I had the time to explain it, it would take me forever, it is clinical. To help you out check out the picture above, she was kind enough to write it out for me, LOL! Clear, right?

No joke, she was very thorough and she took the time to explain each step. Short version? EVERYTHING IS ABOUT TO CHANGE FOR ME . . . and some of the biggest questions I had got answered:

Q 1: Is the tumor growing? What stage am I at? Because the surgeon said between 2-3

"Yeah . . . he said somewhere between 2-3 because it's not stage 1 because we know your lymph nodes are involved and not stage 4 because it hasn't spread to anywhere else in your body, but we really have no way to really know for sure until we do surgery which won't be for a few months and after the chemo."  YIKES!

Q 2: When do I have to start treatment?  "Right away" FUCK!

Q 3: But what if I want to freeze my eggs?

"Right after we will start that and move on that, like yesterday."  Can't get more straighter then that!

Q 4: Will I loose my hair? "Yes."

Y'all know I'm gonna have a few things to write about this one right? You telling me you taking the black woman's crown? Have you seen my cool do? Hmmmm, no likey.

Q 5: How long will I have to do chemo?" 16 weeks, followed by surgery and radiation and more medication for at least 1 year

. . . F!

So there it is, we know what is next medically. However, physically, emotionally and mentally is a whole other conversation.

I know you are all wondering, so is this doctor the cold hearted bitch 3 people claimed in their reviews? Hmmmm,  I could see how she could be perceived as a bit harsh, but I found her very clear and direct. I mean she has been dealing with cancer patients for the last 19 years, sugar coating shit ain't helping nobody! The Ice Queen did say, "You are in the right place Monique, the cancer hasn't appeared to spread and you came in as soon as you knew, given all the test results come back clear, which I am confident they will, this is curable, and you can call at anytime and ask me anything you want."  This was much appreciated, so maybe not so Ice Queen?

As I'm writing this I get interrupted by the hospital calling looking to book my appointment for Cardio Ecco- basically an ultrasound on my heart.  There is a small risk, that one of the medications they want to put me one, has the potential to weaken my heart. NOW THEY WANT TO MESS WITH MT HEART??! WTF?

Let me tackle that another time... 

WTF??

Is the name of this blog jarring? It is supposed to be, because I am still in shock that the person I am writing about is me! So why write about this, why tell the world?  A few reasons, for one, I thought if I did everything, "right," it would never happen to me, (like I am sure so many other women out there), secondly I have a lot of people in my life that I love and who love me and want to know how I am doing, so those days when I cannot talk to them to put their fears at ease, they can log on here and read about where I am at.  Really though,  I need to track my journey, so I can see who I became in the face of all of this.  

 ***Full disclosure, if you have a problem with profanity don’t read on.

I just turned 36 years old 3 short weeks ago, I had a photo shoot (see pic above, nice right? It was meant for my new consulting business I was set to launch) and I was celebrating my 6-month wedding anniversary, to the best man on the planet. I am careful about what I eat, I workout 4 times a week, I don't eat meat or dairy and I had just given up wheat. Man, can I get a high-five?! At my last physical my doctor told me I was super healthy and had lower cholesterol then most people he has seen! I was not on any medications, not even birth control and I am an avid vitamin taker.

So, 6 weeks ago, while laying in bed when I felt what seemed like a lump on my left breast, I was sure it was just a muscle strain. I mean I had been doing all those chest presses at the gym the week before. I asked my hubby, Corey, to feel it and he too was like, “its probably nothing but you should go check it out just in case.” The next week when I went to the doctor, he too said, “given your age and your health it’s probably nothing but to be sure let’s send you for an mamagram and an ultrasound, better safe than sorry.” The next few weeks moved like wild fire, the following week I went for mamagram and ultrasound and 1.5 days later I got a call at work from my doctor, I’ll never forget the sound of his voice and the words that came over the phone, “It’s doctor M, are you at work? Are you sitting down?" First of all who says that, are you sitting down? WTF??  You just asked me if I was at work, no I am not fucking sitting down! “Monique it’s serious, we need to send you for some follow-up tests right away. . .” I thought he was joking, I thought I was dreaming, what was he really trying to tell me?” But at that point he couldn’t tell me for sure, just that it was serious. I didn’t have to wait too long however, a 3-D ultrasound, mamagram, MRI and biopsy later it was confirmed I had breast cancer and it had spread to the lymph nodes (this was not good).  Even as I write it, it still seems like it’s a dream/nightmare I may wake-up from. I feel fine, I mean maybe a bit more tired then usual, but who isn’t! People ask me what went through my head when I heard this? I was in disbelief, I couldn’t accept what the doctor was saying to me, all I kept saying to Corey is, “What is he talking about?!” The doctor went on to say a bunch of other things that just melted into a blur of noise, that sounded something like, “. . . we will need to start treatment . . . you will have a team of doctors . . . chemotherapy high success rate . . . you will need surgery . . . radiation . . . fertility specialist . . .” the only thing I could ask him was, “how, is this possible?” He responded with, “Monique, given your age and health you should not be here, there is nothing you did to cause this and nothing you could have done to prevented this.”  To which I replied, “But this is stupid, it doesn’t make any sense!” “It is stupid, all we know is 1 in 9 women your age will get breast cancer with no history of it in their family, and we don’t know why ."

Ladies listen up, no one is safe, 1-in-9! WTF?? That is insanely fucked up . . . So, after a few melt downs, some wailing and coaching from the leaders in my life I did what any woman warrior would do, I picked myself up and went to chapters to find out about this fucker that had decided to invade my body. I cried under my dark shades at 6:30 pm on Monday night inside the bookstore, reading whatever I could to try to make sense of what was happening. $100 later I grabbed my pile of books, “Never Fear Cancer Again, You Can say No to Chemo, Cancer is a Word, not a Sentence,” and made my way to my mom’s house to break the news. I felt armed with info, but not armed with the tools to tell the people in my life that love me the most, “SURPRISE ITS CANCER!”  It was almost as hard as hearing the news myself.  Shock, tears and a lot of, WTFs?? That’s what came in the days and weeks to follow.