I wrote this 10 days after being diagnosed . . .
Even though I was scheduled to have my first appointment with the fertility clinic, today I woke up hopeful. As per the doctor’s orders, me and the hubby were going in for a consult to talk about the possibility of me freezing my eggs due to the side effects of chemotherapy. No big deal, right? WRONG! IT TURNED OUT TO BE A BIG FUCKIN’ DEAL! Ladies, you know when the doctor tells you, you will have more difficulty getting pregnant the older you get? So as a woman in your 30’s you know it, but then you hear about other women having kids in their 40s and tell yourself you have plenty of time. Well when a fertility specialist tells you have only have only a 30% chance of getting pregnant, with or without chemo, I took pause . . . a LONG ass pause. A 30% chance – WTF, ARE YOU SERIOUS??! It begs the question, had I known would I have tried to get pregnant earlier? Guys love that convo, right? “Excuse me, can you hurry- up and knock me up because my doctor says my eggs are dying off as we speak?” I mean my hubby is an understanding guy, but that would not have been a good look, trust! AND that was not what I wanted. I didn’t want to just have a baby because it was biologically smart, (it sounds stupid in retrospect) but that was the choice I made.
So instead here we are, at Mont Sinai Fertility Clinic, listening to this woman drop bomb after bomb of worse case scenarios on me:
(Her) "Chemo will most likely harm your eggs - make you infertile, and could push you into early onset menopause."
(Me) WHAAAAAAAT? This is some BS!!! Who the fuck wants chemo now, yes it can save your life AND WTF is early onset menopause?
(Her) Freezing your eggs can increase your chances of getting pregnant in the future, but there is no guarantee it will be viable after we thaw it, there is a possibility it won’t work.
(Me) What kind of sales pitch is that??? So, I will go through weeks of sticking myself with needles and pumping myself full of hormones right before chemo for this to, “maybe” work?
(Her) But you could freeze an embryo instead, it would increase your chances by another 10-15% (for those of you who don't know it means they fertilize the egg, freeze it and artificially inseminate me later when I have done all my cancer medications). Did I mention to do this is about 8-10K?
(Me) WTF??? (Note to self embryo freezing is out).
Speaking of when the treatment is done, she then informs me, it is recommended not to try to conceive until 3 years after my medication has ended, as it may result in birth defects. In case the cancer comes back, you can't do chemo when you are pregnant, obviously. AND when you are pregnant the breasts change making the cancer harder to detect. I look at Corey as if to say, “Is she serious right now??” So, my squishy baby, if it does show up, won't have a chance until I am at 39-years-old? That is best case scenario, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? No, it is not old, but it was just not our plan to wait another 3 years just to consider conceiving. I feel like I am in the fucking twilight zone.
So, I'm sitting listening this, and I close my eyes and take a deep breath. The nurse is just smiling apologetically and I just smile to keep from crying in her presence. I sit there thinking that’s the worst of it, but she continues to say, that the chemo could ruin my fertility and the potential for miscarriages will increase. My eyes are just getting wider and I guess she thought she was giving me a silver lining by saying, “But if you are unable to carry a baby to full term you could always get a surrogate…” So, at 39- years- old, I can take my 36- year- old eggs and have some, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle / When the Bough Breaks, situation on my hands?? NAHHHH SA! The final option is if none of my eggs turn out to be viable I can go online and buy some other woman's 20 yrs. old eggs and Corey can mishmash his beautiful chiseled face with some other Jane doe . . . (insert deadpan facial expression here) I don’t think I have said this enough, but WTF???!!!
Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against people doing whatever they must do to have that baby they so desire, do you! HOWEVER, I thought the, “You have cancer bomb,” would have been the worst of it, but it just hit me, it wasn’t cancer I feared . . . it was everything that comes with it. So yes, there are options, and I am grateful there are some, and no, God's plan cannot be dictated by science, but FUCK! It was a lot to take in an hour and a half. Today I don't have words of encouragement or RAH, RAH ... Just letting myself feel it today.
Fast forward 2 weeks . . .
We are going forward with the egg freezing, without any guarantees, just a hope and a prayer that when that time comes we will have viable 36-year-old eggs available to us to expand our family. So, 10 days of sticking myself with needles and pumping myself full of hormones, (as if I need another reason to have my emotions all out of whack right now??) 3 years from now, we will have the option. Now we just count down to chemo, ETA one week . . .