strength — MY JOURNEY — Surprise, It's Cancer!

Guess what tomorrow is? It’s my last chemo treatment! Its been 4 months, 4 rounds of AC, 4 rounds Taxol + Herceptin, 1 million tears, 1000 meltdowns, one head shave, and a roller coaster of, "What the fuck, is this really happening?" YAY, BABY WE MADE IT!!

Don’t get me wrong, this is not the end of the war, but it is a battle won, so let’s celebrate!!

Before we do I want to share a convo I had the other day with a very close friend of mine. Let’s call her Lolo. She said something to me that really reminded me how many people are on this journey with me. Some who only see me through my social feeds, some I only speak to on the phone, and some I only communicate through text. No, they will never really understand what this is like for me, but they are in my corner watching, cheering and some battling their own conversations around mortality . . . mine and their own. She said something to the effect of, “I am in awe of you, that with you facing possible death, you are not balled up in a corner somewhere." Yes, you can insert a PAUSE here. ( I love you Lolo! But DANG!) At first, I was like, fuck! I mean yes sometimes I feel like death, but I don’t sit around thinking that I am actually facing death, but thanks for the reminder! I get what she was trying to say. Cancer does spark the fear of imminent death. Luckily, she caught me on a good day, I was on a unicorn high from feeling good the last few days and spitting rainbows.

Lolo: "All I mean is, I don’t know where you get your strength from, I would be curled up in a ball somewhere." Fair enough.

Me: " You know where I get my strength from? I get my strength from all of you, you guys are my strength. You hold me up. I am not standing here by myself. I am blessed with a rock star husband, a loving family, and friends who make sure I am not facing this alone (I wrote this prior to my, surprise party, but that just goes to show how amazing my circle is). I do not know how the single ladies manage this shit all on their own, they are the true warriors!

I am one of the lucky ones. Holy shit! As I write this I can barely believe I can say that even with the big C, I am still one of the lucky ones. After all I am still here, many, many are not. I am held up by the strength of my community and NOTHING else. Don’t get it twisted, I do curl up in a ball and go to those dark places, but I have people around me who will not let me to stay there too long. My people are what keep me going. They cook special meals for me, tuck me in bed, make me liquid meals when I can’t digest solids, show up at my doorstep with gifts in tow, send weekly care packages and cards to my house, secret Santa me, do my laundry with toxic free detergent (thanks mommy), send me text messages with no expectation of a reply, whatsapp me cute emojis, call me to check in, whisk me away for the night, take me to brunch, hang out when I can’t leave the house and send me video messages from a far (sometimes wearing super women costumes, THE BEST!) I have the love and support of these beautiful people, even the times when I pushed it away. Kristina, Cheryl, Audrey, Anjali, Jenelle, Diana, Natasha,Tanya, Jaya, Chenelle, Sheena, Laura, Raquel, Shivaun, Jasmine, Chantal, Melissa, Janielle, Belinda, Lindsey Crawford, Lana (banana). I know there are many others who I may be forgetting, forgive me! AND I want to say a special thank-you to Camille, my sister from another mister. I know you are behind the "Care Package Posse" and orchestrating my "Surprise No More Chemo Party," I have no words for what this has meant to me. You continue to make the milestones in my life unforgettable.

I am forever grateful for all of you! For those of you who wanted to be there and could not, this is what I said, "You are all my strength. I know this is hard for all of you, and you don't always know what to say to me, or how to help. Know that every little thing you do has made a difference. There is no 'right' magical phrase that will comfort me. All of you have made this journey so much easier than it could be. I am so blessed to have all of you in my life. I love you." Of course I said all of this while bawling my face off.

That is how I survived chemo . . . that is how I will survive the rest.

Cancer is a lonely fucking journey, it is depressing as all shit. HOWEVER – as the last chemo round arrives I am reminded how grateful I am to have the community around me that is my strength.

I LOVE YOU ALL THANK-YOU!

It's 11 pm the night before and I am reading everything I can get my hands on regarding, "How to prepare for Chemo.," (and for any of you that know me, you can picture it). Luckily my home girl put me on to another woman warrior named, Nalie Agustin, who wrote an entire e-book just on this subject, entitled, “Chemo Secrets." I highly recommend this read for those who have been just diagnosed and friends of those who have been just diagnosed. It is a quick read, it's upbeat and gives you a snapshot into what to expect and how to prepare. She is also fucking awesome! SO, I compiled my chemo care bag with the following, to combat the side effects I might endure the next day:

Warm socks
Blanket
Ginger candies x 3 (for dry mouth)
Hand cream
Water
Music
Movies
Visine (For dry eyes)
Lavender (for nausea)
Natural hand sanitizer (which I really don't need until later, I mean I am in a hospital with a sanitizer dispenser on every corner)
Toque (apparently, I am going to be cold as hell)
Lip balm
Greenhouse juices X 2
Rice cakes (bland foods only for now, nothing too crazy keep the system calm)

Yes it was a tonne of shit, so you can picture Corey and I arriving with our bags and luggage like we were staying overnight. Turned out for visit 1, totally unnecessary!

I had also been fasting for over 24 hrs. (No, it was not fun!) But a lot of my own research and through the advice of my new naturopathic doctors, this can help manage the side effects, as well as keeping the cancer from returning in the long run.

So, as you can see I was chemo ready!

Fast forward it's the day of and I am getting messages of encouragement, even a video, (Thank-you Sheena!) that just lit me up. My family hugging me extra tight and reassuring me that, "You got this!" It was all very moving. I thought I would be more upset today. I cried a bit last night, but not out of fear, it was out of . . . come to think of it, it was probably fear, lol! I am not angry, or sad, just ready to get this done! Before I left the house, I created with my coach the possibility of being, strength, trust and vitality. I had a smile on my face and despite feeling nauseous on the way to the hospital, (probably that fear again), I was OK. I had my hubby beside me bumping the tunes, "Bad and Boogie," and I was ready, the sooner it starts, the sooner it would be over. I have 8 cycles total, (once every 2 weeks for 15 weeks), so let's get this over already!

Before I left the house I was thinking, maybe I should wear a hat, so I can get use to not having hair, (and really so the sicker people don't envy me, or think, enjoy that cool hair while it lasts!) Yes I know how that sounds. But that was dumb, no one was focused on anything but themselves and their loved ones, I really need to have more faith in people (W.I.P). Also, I remember what Nalie had written in her book, "don't go to your chemo looking sick, you want to feel great so do whatever makes you feel great, do your hair as long as you have it and put on some make-up, and wear something bright." So, I took her advice. I have the next 3 months to look sick if that is what happens, right now I feel fine so let's maximize on that as long as possible! So, I did my hair, did my face and paired my bright yellow scarf with my stylish track pants and T shirt. #IWOKEUPLIKETHIS

I could go over EVERY medication that was discussed, their names and side effects, but really, they give you the worst case scenarios and I rather deal with things one step at a time (and I am sure I will address in later posts). Let's talk about how I was all set to have an IV in my arm (as I have been getting use to this), and then the nurse tells me to hold out my hand. Whaaaat? All readers, do me a favour and look at the top of your hand, how many veins do you see? Now picture putting a needle in them for the next 2 hours. "Is this going to hurt?" I ask, "Yes" she says, "but only for a bit". The reason they do this is chemotherapy has the tendency to weaken and collapse the veins, so they do not want to take your big beautiful ones in your arms . . . not yet anyway. So, they hooked up an IV and start pumping in saline, to open my veins. Then she informs me they are mixing the chemo in a lab and will bring it over when it is ready (It was somehow comforting to know they didn't have batches of this shit premixed just laying around).

45 min later the same nurse that greeted us when we arrived, shows up in a fully covered smock and gloves carrying a plastic bin containing the medication. From what I read about what's in that bin, I don't blame her for wanting to protect herself, I wouldn't want any on me either . . . Oh I forgot, it's going IN ME! First, she pulls out 2 huge oversize syringes full of red liquid, a.k.a. DOXOrubicin, a.k.a. "The Red Devil" and she hooks it up to my IV which she will administer manually. She says, "Don't be alarmed if your urine is red for the rest of the day, it's normal." Eeek! Then I say to her, "So this is the 'Red Devil' I have heard so much about, that's what you guys call it right?" She pauses for a minute and says, "I don't call it that, and I try and educate everyone around here not to call it that. I call it, 'The Red Soldier' because it is here to fight for you." I just smiled, she was so fucking right! "You know your words have power," she goes on to say, "and sometimes people don't realize what they are saying. The devil is out to destroy everything and is meant to be evil, but this is your red solider, it is out to help you." I can see my hubby nodding in the background. I was so lucky to have Verona as my nurse. She was speaking my language. Sometimes I forget about the words that I use or even think. I am a firm believer that our language creates our world, and Verona was giving me a firm reminder of that. She finished the 2 syringes of my, "Red soldier" and hooked up the second drug to my IV, called cyclophosphamide. It doesn't have an a.k.a, so I am thinking it is the nicer of the 2 drugs.

Verona chatted with us while she pumped the, "Red Soldier" into my vein, (ever so carefully as not to cause it to burn). All the while she kept saying to think positive . . . And it got me to thinking . . . for me beating this cancer was not about thinking positive. Yes, I hope and pray for healing and for a positive outcome, and I know that crying curled up in a ball in a corner is not a beneficial, (although sometimes necessary), way of dealing with hard times. But this was not just being positive, this was about being POWERFUL in the face of no agreement. My body has cancer and for now, it is not going anywhere, I CANNOT GET UNCANCERED. I heard someone say this a few days ago. I was in a crowd full of 200 + people, and it hit me like a tonne of bricks, as if she was talking right to me! She was encouraging people to choose whatever life has thrown at them. She was making the point in saying, you cannot resist what life hands you, your wishing it to be different is a waste of time and energy AND essentially is a suffering of your own making. TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN. I don't feel sick, and because of that, it has me in denial about what is really happening. I was still convinced up to the moment she was pumping the, "Red Soldier" into my veins that they had made a mistake, they got the wrong gal! Denying it is a waste of time, and more importantly, energy that I don't have. I know I will get through all of this, and yes it will SUCK ASS! But I thank God for the problems I do have, because it could always be worse, this I know.

LAST CHEMO TREATMENT - F YAY!

CHEMO DAY ONE- MEET THE RED DEVIL?